Who am I?? Along the way of all this I lost ME, and believe you me it took a very long time to find me. It was always much eaiser to be the one person that never hurt, now as a child I would just disassociate myself from the situation, but as adult I had to invent a whole new me. Oh how tuff she was, lol could not hurt her no matter what. When the bad things happned I would just switch personalitys and become this monster that lived inside me. Why do I call her a monster?? Because she was no joke, invinciable, and once I added the alchol and the rest of the self medication well hell nothing could stop me, Infact what they should have been worried about by that time was me.
But now into my teenage years I believed that all men were evil, I know most thought that my life was just as normal as every other teen but no one new what was inside my head. It was awful, it almost felt lik having someone living inside me. Now for all you that know me No I am not crazy, really so calm down the world is safe. LOL
It is sad to be a little girl and have some mindless, sick man take your innocense from you, so right off your life is on a different path and I am most sure it is not the one that was planned. Now as far as family, mine was great, but I am suprised no one noticed the pain in my small pale face. Some one had to of heard my silent crys. But no one ever came, so small and feeling so alone, and always asking WHY??
So as a teen I once again wondered why no one noticed the pain the striking out?? What in the hell is going on isn't anyone gonna save me?? Answer to that question was NO, no one was gonna save me but me. So for that as a teen I always picked the abusive men, ones that made me feel lower than a snakes belly. You know my sister use to always say my first love changed me, but the sad thing is It was not him, he was only a flame in the fire, that would soon burn outta control.
To be continued
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Her Own Private Hell Part 2
The thought of a young child having to divide there mind in order to be able to deal with the bad things in life is simply unthinkable. Just imagine being 8 years old and having someone touch you in a place that your mom and dad had said No one should touch!!
Well while the world thought that I had the perfect childhood, it was all just a smoke screen nothing was what one would claim to be NORMAL. Who will I be today? Is the bad person gonna get me today??
What did I do wrong to have to go through this?? These are not questions that an 8 year old little girl should be asking herself, instead she should be playing with toys and friends not crucifying herself for something that is not even her fault.
Why is a question that has eaten my brain for many years, and that is when I created thee other me!! In order to make it through the days, ex specially the days that were bad I would bring out the other me. Now back when I was small it seems that when you would tell someone something bad happened, that it was almost an embarrassment, Why?? I have no idea, to allow this to happen and not do anything about it is a travesty, and it will one day come back to haunt everyone.
But as my childhood proceeded into young adult hood ,things only got worse, MEN, they were not to be trusted. If they looked at me I would assume they wanted to have sex with me, sometimes I could feel this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and believe me my stomach was not wrong.
How does one deal with all this abuse, sexual, physical, mental this is an on going question and I will tell you how I made it through my own private hell.
Well while the world thought that I had the perfect childhood, it was all just a smoke screen nothing was what one would claim to be NORMAL. Who will I be today? Is the bad person gonna get me today??
What did I do wrong to have to go through this?? These are not questions that an 8 year old little girl should be asking herself, instead she should be playing with toys and friends not crucifying herself for something that is not even her fault.
Why is a question that has eaten my brain for many years, and that is when I created thee other me!! In order to make it through the days, ex specially the days that were bad I would bring out the other me. Now back when I was small it seems that when you would tell someone something bad happened, that it was almost an embarrassment, Why?? I have no idea, to allow this to happen and not do anything about it is a travesty, and it will one day come back to haunt everyone.
But as my childhood proceeded into young adult hood ,things only got worse, MEN, they were not to be trusted. If they looked at me I would assume they wanted to have sex with me, sometimes I could feel this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and believe me my stomach was not wrong.
How does one deal with all this abuse, sexual, physical, mental this is an on going question and I will tell you how I made it through my own private hell.
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